"Art as Practice" - a Cure for Perfectionism?

"One thing I have read here and certainly in (Eric Maisel's) many books and articles is the importance of creating a ‘practice’. Mindfulness is my client's practice that he is ‘allowed’ to do, so I suggested why could music* not become a practice?" - A Fellow Coach in Training

* or drawing, dance, painting, singing, macrame, etc. 

What's your biggest hurdle when it comes to creating art? Is it time-management, fear of not being good enough, unrealistic standards for yourself, fear of wasting your time, fear of not living up to the needs and expectations of others, etc? For some it can be several or even all! But what if I told you there might be something of a magic bullet solution in terms of dismantling these hurdles?

Think of activities that are joined with the word "practice". You might have a "mindfulness practice", or a "yoga practice", or you might make a practice of studying a language, or practice making bread dough. In each of these activities, in no way is the practitioner expected by either mentor or by themselves (hopefully) to be perfect at the first go-around. Yet, I believe each and every one of us is probably guilty of sitting down to create and expecting something like perfection the first time we try something new, and feeling utterly defeated when it does not go according to plan. 

I used to prepare for making art like I was sitting down to my own doom, ready to be defeated by the pen and paper or the paintbrush, for I surely had not mastered them yet. And I hadn't. I would set out to do something large, elaborate and challenging, and sure enough, end up failing at it. And instead of pushing through, to get better, I would be so ashamed by my experience that I definitely wasn't eager to get back on the proverbial horse when next I had a free block of time.

Enter, "Art as Practice". 

I learned to enjoy making art when I took the teeth out of my own fear, by changing my own perspective. I decided I wasn't sitting down to make a "work of art", I was sitting down to PRACTICE putting pen and ink and paint on paper. I wasn't here to show myself or others anything, other than to prove how much I enjoyed the action of painting. When others would ask me how it was going, I would say, "I'm so excited to be learning how watercolor works!" and I would eagerly consume tutorials online and on Instagram, collect and stockpile the works of other, more experienced artists who inspired me, and day-dream about color palettes in spare moments during my regular work hours.

It was no longer a battle I had to win, and it truly never had been. It was me sitting down to do the work, without judgement or expectation, as is the way for every yogi or person who tries meditation (at least, I think this is the AUTHENTIC way to engage with yoga and meditation). It's a practice. You'll have your good days and your bad days, but the point is that you showed up and tried something.

Believe me, I still have my days where I'm afraid of painting because I'm "rusty". But when I get like that, I have to remind myself that this painting could be for the dustbin and THAT IS OK. In the great words of Mr. Greg Universe "If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs." And I really ascribe to that! 

So go on, PRACTICE, make a hotdog if you must but DON'T WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE TELLING YOURSELF YOU HAVE TO MAKE A MASTERPIECE OR NOTHING. 

Sending so much love and care to you all!

-Jess

New Journeys - On Creativity Coaching, Narative-izing, & Social Anxiety - Part II

Hellebores, a highly toxic plant which was actually used as plant medicine in 1400 BCE.

Well, I'd like to dive deeper into narrative-izing, social anxiety and JOURNEYS in this posting, as I had the privilege and the pleasure to attend a virtual meet-up last night hosted by the Portland Psychedelic Society called "Spectrum of Experience". This was my first foray in meeting up with other autistics in a social setting, and it was actually extremely rewarding.

I'm not a frequent "journey-er" by any stretch of the imagination, but I HAVE found that even marijuana (which is legal here in Oregon) has a profound affect on my ASD brain. Not only was it rewarding to almost effortlessly connect with other humans for once (which I've heard is a thing for those on the spectrum, newly out, are relieved to know that they can connect easier with other autistics than with neurotypicals) but it was so rewarding and invigorating to talk about how different substances affect an ASD mind. 

While most of the hour-and-a-half long discussion revolved around autism, in the last twenty minutes or so, we dove into the medicinal use of psychedelics (especially plant medicine!) and the personal experiences of the attendees. We chatted about everything from diagnosis ("how did you know?") to masking ("how can you tell when you are? how do you stop?"), to compassion and narrativizing and most importantly, learning to change the narrative by accessing different parts of the ASD brain and forging new connections through the medicinal use of psychedelics. 

I happened to be the only female autistic there, but it was really fun to compare and contrast my own experiences with the male-presenting autistics at the panel. And one of the moderators was also a woman, but she primarily works with autistics in journeying (and has a son on the spectrum). However, she was able to validate and support my sharings. The biggest difference I learned in the discussion is that autistic males are usually very "left-brain" dominant. Those who use psychedelics may profess that their journey involves sudden "right-brain" integrations such as sudden ties to empathy and emotion where they had previously been categorical and logical.

I tend to have the very opposite experience, as a woman who is extremely "right-brain" dominant. It is through the use of psychedelics that I start forging connections and categorizing based on logic, and am better able to gain perspective that is not rooted in subjective emotionality and excess empathy. There are definitely many women out there who present as the complete opposite, but it is only very recent that diagnosticians have realized that a lot of women autistics are extremely empathetic and emotional and dodge the blanket description of ASD that is "without empathy, overly logical, poor eye-contact, etc". 

Even more interestingly, there was one man at the meet who is in the process of being diagnosed who identifies far more with the characteristics of women on the spectrum. I offered that as scientists and psychologists delve into this new discovery, it will be interesting to see how many more men and others across and beyond the gender binary are diagnosed with ASD who display tons of empathy and experience emotions vividly. I'm really excited by the implications of further research in that arena.

But perhaps the most important take-away in the discussion was about how psychedelics can be used therapeutically in helping autistics establish better self-acceptance and compassion. You see, because we on the spectrum often make many social blunders and can't understand why we're unable to connect socially to the same degree as neurotypicals, we tend to self-criticize A LOT. Over time, this can become very corrosive. Our sense of self gets poisoned, in a way, as we experience continual criticism from peers and authority figures, struggle with being misunderstood, or piss off colleagues and employers with our oddness. For those of us who receive a late diagnosis, some of the damage may be long-lingering.

However, used medicinally, psychedelics offer a bridge between neural-pathways in order to confront trauma, make connections between past experiences, and even build a home for self-compassion to exist for the individual. One attendee spoke of his journeys on psilocybin, in which a mothering "guide" type figure showed up for his journey, to offer acceptance and insight. One spoke about ayahuasca and the healing of ancestral trauma through that plant medicine. And there are so many scholarly articles about the healing power of psilocybin on PTSD already; imagine the effects it can have on those with ASD who have experienced MYRIAD subtle to extreme traumas in their lives without ever having the tools or social acceptance to voice these traumas. 

Regardless, I'm really excited to start connecting to more autistic communities (including this one!) and discussing with others how we can change the narrative on the road to self-acceptance. This journey holds many mirroring aspects to the kind of acceptance I aim to encourage creatives on integrating into their lives through my coaching efforts. I'm really excited to take part in these upcoming discoveries of compassion and self-acceptance. 

New Journeys - On Creativity Coaching, Narative-izing, & Social Anxiety - Part I

 I'm currently taking courses in Creativity Coaching with Eric Maisel and I decided to start a blog. After a recent lesson that Eric sent out for his coaching students, I realized I am afraid of putting my thoughts and feelings out there into the public eye due to a) an old narrative I keep telling myself about not having anything worthwhile or helpful to contribute and b) self-censorship in reaction to this narrative. His recent lesson highlighted that creative blockages can often take the form of self-censorship:

"When a person is trying to write memoir, for instance, a central question for her becomes, “Do I actually want to reveal this to the world?”  Freud, who claimed not to have much insight into creators or creative blockage, nevertheless argued that creative blockage was the equivalent of “self-censorship.”  Not all of it is, of course; but some of it surely is; and it is especially in the territory of memoir that issues of self-censorship and a lack of willingness to “reveal much to the world” (and to the self) comes up." -Eric Maisel

In order to be a better coach and creative, I am challenging the notion of self-censorship with this blog.
The themes discussed will commemorate this new chapter in my life as I'm beginning two brand new journeys:

1) My brand new journey as a novice creativity coach

2) My brand new journey as an "out" woman on the spectrum in a creative industry.

I've found that while I'm thoroughly enjoying coaching, I do not currently have an outlet for my thoughts on my internal journey as a coach and as a creative on the spectrum. I'm also beginning work with a new therapist in order to process my new diagnosis as a woman with ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder, and I would like a way to verbally process this journey. So that's what this blog is all about! 

When I was diagnosed for ASD, I took a cognitive evaluation as well (like ya do) and the findings of that evaluation may in fact offer some key insight as to why I actually experience so much social anxiety. I'm about to talk cognitive scores and IQ, and I don't want this to come off as if I am bragging, but to showcase a dissonance issue. I personally don't put too much stock in IQ, and I believe in multitudes of intelligences and in the power of different brains. So please skip over this part of discussions about IQ are triggering or just plain annoying to you.

I discovered from my cognitive evaluation that while my written and verbal IQ was above average, my working memory was hovering right at average. My diagnostician told me that this may be a reason for a myriad of frustrations I experience in social issues. While it is not "bad" to be average, it is very uncomfortable to be functioning at an above average level internally and not be able to communicate in an above average way externally, because working memory has a lot to do with how we interact socially.

For example, even though I had a very high GPA in school, I have been told by many people that I seem to process things slowly socially. I have been reacted to with surprise by people I don't know very well when I tell them I did well in school, and I have been told by friends I trust that some other colleagues do not consider me highly intelligent. 

To resolve this issue, I use a lot of apps that help hone working memory and find that I can improve word recall and lucidity by using these applications. However, reaction time will forever elude me. For example, there is a game on the app Lumosity that I will never beat - the Train Game, officially called Train of Thought.

To summarize, in the game, there are stations of different colors and the ability to change track direction to lead trains of different colors to their matching stations. As you progress with the game, the amount of trains being released and their rate of release increases, and you must both think ahead and react quickly to get all of the trains to their proper destinations. I have a friend, a Yale graduate, who has long since beaten all of the games in Lumosity. When I told him I could never get past certain games because of my slow reaction time, he looked at me in surprise. It was just something he couldn't relate to.

I process things slowly, especially new information. But I tend to go deeper in my investigation of that information, for a much longer time afterwards, than neurotypical people. I suspect my ASD has something to do with it, and I guess that being said, I'm glad to have a different brain. But it makes recalling even simple words or information impossible on the fly, never mind witty retorts in conversation. 

On the flip side, my verbal and written comprehension skills are where I soar, and my therapist has encouraged me to explore this in writing. So here I am, getting back on that old writing horse! I've usually honed it by writing fiction, but have run into the (what I'm now realizing is) ASD problem of creating characters who are unrelatable to the masses because I don't fully understand the motivations behind neurotypical people's actions. It's literally something I've been thinking about for years in my creative writing projects, and trying to hide because I was sure I was just a "freak" because I couldn't remember dialogue properly or understand human motivations. (It's probably why I failed at acting too, come to think of it!) 

But I am coming around to the idea that I do understand some neurodivergent motivations, and I might be able to write a book about THAT, now that I have a better awareness of myself. I'm personally really interested in writing about a woman with ASD, who is maybe a super hero or otherwise exhibiting superhuman abilities.  In fact, the plights of people who have outstanding abilities in one area but can't relate to most others in general society is endlessly fascinating to me, and also probably why I was heavily invested in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman growing up. 

Seriously. I'm a big Superman fan.

Superman is possibly a neurodivergent hero, and I'd like to dive deep into that and narrative-izing around social anxiety in Part II. Stay tuned!